Thinking out aloud

So, I haven't been writing like I used to; maybe it's writer's block, stress, no time, trying to figure out my purpose for writing, or all of them together. 

I don't know if I am back yet, or going to stop again, but the most important thing is that today, I just feel good, I feel like writing and I feel motivated to type on my keyboard again. 

I have things on my mind, a lot actually. I have a lot of questions on my mind too. 

I am a young girl, who has crazy thoughts, dreams and hope. That is all I know about myself. Everything else are based on what I was told. Some say that I have a voice, then I saw myself as a medium to voice things out. Some tell me that I am someone who asks questions, then I introduce myself as someone who asks questions and very curious. Some say that I am a feminist when I talk, then I identified as a feminist. Feminist! Feminist? I have been questioned about that word a lot, I have been told a lot of things about that word, I have been dismissed because of that word that sometimes it feels like it affects people close to me. When I mean dismissed, I mean statements like: "this is not about feminism, look at it in real life situations" "Can I hear your opinion without involving your feminism part" “Your friend is cute, hope she’s not a feminist like you” I hate feminist but I don’t hate you”, and so on. I don't know but maybe people think that feminism is like a cloth that one puts on and takes off when they choose to. People think it is something that has to do with everything that they think is evil. I sometimes see people who it is obvious that they don't like women use feminism as the first curse word in their sentence when trying to curse women out. 

As a young female who happens to be a feminist, I have doubts sometimes, I feel like I shouldn't have believed in these things at first. I should have listened when I was told that it is white's women's thing and not a black woman with accent thing. First, I was told it was an identity like belonging to a sorority and now I am being told it is a "thing", I had thought to myself at that moment when I heard those words. The fact remains I started having doubt in my self. I thought to myself it would be better because I don't have to go online every day and see people insult feminist and get pissed off, it would be better to think that I don't have a say or thoughts in a patriarchy world. It would be better to think that a male opponent would always be better than a female opponent, and to think that I cannot live my life without a male in it. Although, deep down in me, it seemed so difficult to do. 

 I decided to talk to one of my cousins, and he said something that changed my perspective and make me believe in myself one more time. He told me, "You know yourself more than anyone. You might have just seen yourself recently as a feminist but look back at how you always viewed things growing up and see that a feminist is who you are and born to be. It's not an identity that you just discovered, it has been there but you just didn't know what to name it or notice that this is who you are. The earlier you realize that and discover that you cannot run away from yourself the better." Yes, you guessed right, I stared at him for a while and I was really amazed for the fact that he was telling the truth and that he was not a female but a boy.

Right now, I just thought it is high time that I started telling people that being a feminist does not require you to be white, it does not require you to be dismissed or your opinions to be dismissed either.  It is not an identity that you put on and off like a cloth, it’s just you not succumbing to the ways of the society but rather believing that women have rights just like men do and neither of them should be neglected or intimidated.

I am going to stop here for today. Let’s do more catching up later.


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