What I Learned
It is almost the end of the year 2018. Some of my friends think that the year went by fast. I personally think that this year has been so slow. I also had thought that this year has not been the best so far.
A lot has happened this year, a lot of emotions were involved this year. It has been a roller coaster that at some point I wondered how I got by each day. I always dreaded the morning but now I dreaded every moment. I had always thought that I was a fighter but most times I saw myself sinking. I was sinking without even struggling. It was like I consciously let myself to be engulfed in whatever I was fighting with occasionally. I wondered if it made any difference fighting and then going down again. I was told that I was being too negative at some point by people who cared. I don’t know, but I hope they really cared because it is really stressful caring for people who didn’t care in return. I tried to explain that being positive comes with a lot of strength and energy, and I didn’t even think I had that. My favorite line was: “Fuck my life”. Each breath taken down into my lungs hurt and made living unbearable. I have no idea but I felt like some higher power or maybe the universe was angry with me. I was afraid that my breath will infect the people around me. I needed a break from everything that mattered around me. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I panicked for any slightest thing. The very breath which hurt was now hard to get out of my lungs. Something had to be wrong somewhere. I looked for answers but I didn’t find any, neither did crying nor screaming give me any.
This year taught me how to grow up. I lost hope in people, in family and in even in humanity. I had to learn the hard way what my mom had always tried to teach me, that the world is mean. I have always believed in the good of people. Don’t get me wrong; I still do but I now know to also be ready for their true selves. I do know that I am wiser than I was before this year. I also learned that people have roles to play in our lives and they leave after that. I learned that even your close ones including families can’t even be trusted. I learned how to cherish my mental health more than people’s opinion. This year has been one hell of a year from everything I said earlier but what I didn’t mention was that it was really good on some days. I was really happy on those days because we all live once so why not be happy when I can. I lost some people this year who weren’t even meant to be in my life, to begin with, but I also met people who became like family. I tried new things that made me happy. I learned how to remove things that didn’t make me happy away from my life. I learned to breathe one at a time slowly and gradually even though it hurts. I have learned how to live for myself. I have learned how to live with less insecurities. I am learning to love myself one layer by layer. I am also learning how to fight all the time.
Wishing you all a happy holidays and hope to see you all in 2019.