What I Learned

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It is almost the end of the year 2018. Some of my friends think that the year went by fast. I personally think that this year has been so slow. I also had thought that this year has not been the best so far.

                     A lot has happened this year, a lot of emotions were involved this year. It has been a roller coaster that at some point I wondered how I got by each day.  I always dreaded the morning but now I dreaded every moment. I had always thought that I was a fighter but most times I saw myself sinking. I was sinking without even struggling. It was like I consciously let myself to be engulfed in whatever I was fighting with occasionally. I wondered if it made any difference fighting and then going down again. I was told that I was being too negative at some point by people who cared. I don’t know, but I hope they really cared because it is really stressful caring for people who didn’t care in return. I tried to explain that being positive comes with a lot of strength and energy, and I didn’t even think I had that. My favorite line was: “Fuck my life”. Each breath taken down into my lungs hurt and made living unbearable. I have no idea but I felt like some higher power or maybe the universe was angry with me. I was afraid that my breath will infect the people around me. I needed a break from everything that mattered around me.  I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I panicked for any slightest thing. The very breath which hurt was now hard to get out of my lungs. Something had to be wrong somewhere. I looked for answers but I didn’t find any, neither did crying nor screaming give me any.

             This year taught me how to grow up. I lost hope in people, in family and in even in humanity. I had to learn the hard way what my mom had always tried to teach me, that the world is mean. I have always believed in the good of people. Don’t get me wrong; I still do but I now know to also be ready for their true selves. I do know that I am wiser than I was before this year.  I also learned that people have roles to play in our lives and they leave after that. I learned that even your close ones including families can’t even be trusted.   I learned how to cherish my mental health more than people’s opinion. This year has been one hell of a year from everything I said earlier but what I didn’t mention was that it was really good on some days. I was really happy on those days because we all live once so why not be happy when I can. I lost some people this year who weren’t even meant to be in my life, to begin with, but I also met people who became like family. I tried new things that made me happy. I learned how to remove things that didn’t make me happy away from my life. I learned to breathe one at a time slowly and gradually even though it hurts. I have learned how to live for myself. I have learned how to live with less insecurities. I am learning to love myself one layer by layer. I am also learning how to fight all the time.

Wishing you all a happy holidays and hope to see you all in 2019.

Comments

  1. Sandra,

    I'm very sorry to hear of the hardships and negative things that you have gone through this past year, along with the personal feelings that followed afterwards. Sooner or later, we all come to experience and realize the truth about the things in life, in our lives, that you have described and it's not easy comprehend at first, nor is it to be expected. As we get older, we, regardless of how it comes up, soon begin to see things differently compared to what we believed before. Like friends and other people for example, I believed up until high school that those I became friends with and placed trust in them would treat be with same respect or honesty I give them. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't. Some stayed and kept me in their memories after graduating, while others turned their back on me and forgot I existed without giving an explanation as to why. Obviously, I was hurt and felt betrayed & dumb for giving people the chance or opportunity to have me in their life, but after a while, I began see these unfortunate events as life lessons. It's hard to know when making friends that they'll stay with you through thick & thin, or be only there for the good times and bail when things change for them, leaving you behind. For now, I try my best to not let myself get caught up in things if I'm unsure they are going to last, and mainly focus on appreciating my life as well as those who are/choose to be in it. Personally, I believe that you are strong Sandra to encounter such harsh realities and adapt to overcome them. It's just how we grow as individuals, to not let things negative things decide how we view life and others in it. It's wrong and unhealthy.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. I appreciate your concerns. As one lives each day, it is really important that one gets to see how the world works and also understand that it is never a bed of roses.

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